Communication (especially within conflict)

 

    Communication. One of the most important things in a human relationship, yet one of the easiest things to mess up.

    A few months ago, I went home for a couple weeks to see my family after completing my first semester of college. When I got home, my fourteen-year-old sister said this: "Hi, you stinky rat! I missed you!!!" I was definitely confused as to why my little sister was calling me a "stinky rat". She then proceeded to tell me that its how she and her friends tell each other that they're gorgeous. 

    This is an example of the first problem in communication with others - connotations. What is a connotation? It is the feelings/adjectives that a person associates with a word. For example, I associated disgust with the term "stinky rat", when in reality my little sister was saying it as a term of endearment. Usually, its not that much of a drastic change. The word "okay" for example. "I'm doing okay." For some, this can mean that they are doing well, and for others it can mean that they are struggling to stay afloat. This can make conversation incredibly confusing - especially when done over text. Here is where we meet another problem in communicating. Lack of specificity. 

    When you are not clear as to what you want, what your intentions are, etc. it can be really difficult for a person to try and decipher the "hints" you're dropping. Some people won't pick them up at all. You see, when you communicate with someone, you have a thought or feeling that you want to convey. You then have to decide how to present this thought/feeling in a way that your target audience will understand (words, tone, body language), and proceed to encode your message to them. You then have to allow them to decode your message and come to understand what you are conveying, and then eventually you will have to decode their response. However, some things get lost in translation. 

    To maximize the understanding between you and whomever you wish to communicate with, use these five steps as a guidline. These are the "five secrets of effective communication".

1. Disarming technique: find the bit of truth in what a person is saying. If someone says "you never spend time with me anymore! I feel like you don't love me" you can say something like "You're right. I have been super busy lately and I haven't been able to give you as much time as I usually do. I'm sorry." This will allow your partner in conversation to know that you are listening and actually giving the subject your attention and care, while acknowledging that something they said was, in fact, correct.
2. Have Empathy: Piggybacking off of the situation in step one, you can show empathy by saying something along the lines of "I'm sure that you feel frustrated and maybe even neglected because of how busy I've been. Have you been feeling lonely, too?" Having empathy for the person you are talking to will show them that you are interested in their feelings. It will help them feel seen and heard. 
3. Inquiry: Ask the person what you can do to put them at ease, or make the situation better. However, be sure that you do not comprimise your boundaries. If you do, the situation could turn from a possible win-win, to a win-lose. "What can I do to make you feel more loved at times like this where I am incredibly busy? Would you like an extra 'I love you.' text every now and then?" 
4. Incorporate an "I feel" statement. "I feel very overwhelmed with all of the work that I have to get done this week. It has been very stressful. But, I need you to know that I feel so much love for you."
5. Respect/Stroking: Say something that praises the person you are communicating with. This will help them see that you appreciate them coming to you, and that you've seen what they have been doing and going through. "I really appreciate how resilient and patient you have been with me this week. I'm so grateful that you were willing to come to me and talk about how to improve our relationship."

    Following these steps opens you and whomever you communicate to feel respected, on the same page, and clear-headed. There isn't much room for miscommunication if you correctly use these steps.