"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them" (Monson, 2011, paragraph 5).
To start off this entry, I want to emphasize the meaning of the quote above as it relates to parenting. The duty of a parent, as I see it, is to rear their child in love and wisdom. A parent should be gentle yet firm. A parent should be able to assist their child in developing healthy boundaries. A parent should love their child and be sure that their child knows that they are loved. I know that once I become a parent, I will most certainly need the companionship of my Heavenly Father (A.K.A God). God, being the ultimate father, will be able to guide me in the rearing of my children. For those of you who are or are hoping to become parents, I ask you, above all else, to seek guidance through prayer to know how to rear your children and to know how to allow your children to develop their own personality and experiences.
Okay, now that I have given my stance on the importance of God and the family, it's SCIENCE TIME! I can go on and on and on about the science of parenting.
There are four categories of parenting which vary in terms of demands and permissions.
1. Authoritarian: Think tyranny. Authoritarian parents have high demands and expectations paired with low permissions. "The parent values obedience as a virtue, and favors forceful measures when the child's actions or beliefs conflict with what the parent thinks is right" (Carter & Welch, 1981, pg 191). These kinds of parents might lock you out of the house if you are a minute late after curfew. "My house, my rules”. "...Because I'm the parent...". "Do as I say, not as I do." These parents often invalidate their child's emotions if seen as an inconvenience. "If you weren't failing a class, I wouldn't have had to receive a call from your teacher on my day off. You're grounded (from TV, friends, extracurriculars, etc.) until you have at least a B in that class... Quit crying, this is your fault." The more strict the parent, the sneakier the child.
2.Uninvolved: Can we really call this parenting? Uninvolved parents have no demands, no expectations, and no limits on a child's permissions/privileges. Uninvolved parents create unheathily self-reliant children who often learn how to simply do whatever it takes to survive on their own. Some uninolved parents completely depend on their children to make income, and never let their child see any of that money - these parents have a sort of look about life that is a s follows: I brought you into this world, and now you're on your own.
Child: Mom, I'm going out with friends"
Mom: *no response*
3. Permissive: Have you seen the movie "Yes Day"? Permissive parents have moderate expectations for their children, low demands, and high permissions/allowances. "The parent offers [themself] as a resource to the child, not as an active agent responsible for modifying or shaping behavior, and allows the child to regulate his/her own behavior as much as possible" (Carter & Welch, 1981, pg 191). Permissive parents might let their child go out on school nights, even though they are failing a class, because their child prioritizes their social life above all else. "As long as you get your grades up at some point, you can go." These parents feel that to gain their child's love, they cannot place many limitations on their child. Permissive parents may also invalidate "unhappy" emotions in their child due to their need to make their child happy. "Oh, don't be sad. I'll take you clothes shopping to get your mind off of things."
4. Authoritative: Hmmm, the name sounds pretty similar to authoritarian... Well, it's not. "The parent attempts to direct the child's activities, but does not insit on obedience for its own sake. The parent is realistic about use of restrictions, and shares with the child the reasoning behind the parental policy of using firm control" (Carter & Welch, 1981, pg 191). Authoritative parents have the best balance of demands and permissions. These parents want whats best for their children and consider their child's feelings when making important decisions. These parents monitor their childre without micromanaging (Serpa, 2005, pg 132). An authoritative parent might keep an eye on their child's grades. If they notice that their child is starting to struggle in school, they might have a discussion like this:
Parent: Hey, I've noticed that your grades have been going down a little bit. Can you tell me what you're struggling with?
Child: I can't seem to understand this concept in math, and the homework takes me so long to do and I get so distracted. Plus, with my tennis practice, it's hard to find the time or motivation to do it.
Parent: I see. Well, you know that if you have a D or below in your class, you can't play for your school's team until you improve your grade, right?
Child: Yeah.
Parent: I know you love tennis, and I love watching you play. But your grade is only a few points away from a C-... Is playing tennis important to you?
Child: Yes, it could help me get scholarships for next year.
Parent: Okay, then here's what we're going to do. We are going to set apart a few hours every Saturday to go to the library and study without your phone. This way, your siblings can go to the library and find books while you have some undistracted study-time. How does that sound?
Child: It sounds okay, I guess... But that takes time away from my friends on the weekend...
Parent: I know, and it will be tough to not be with them as much. But until you get your grade up, you're going to need to spend a little more time on your schooling. Okay?
Child: Okay.
Parenting situations won't always be that easy, but this is a good example of the values of an authoritative parent. The parent acknowledges the child's feelings, values, and struggles while also setting healthy boundaries in order to help their child progress. They speak to their child in a manner that is easy to understand, and not at all vindictive or overly-indulgent. The parent offers a very doable solution to their child's problem, and shows interest in and care for their child.
Now, at times, parenting style will switch depending on the severity of the situation. Some things can't be negotiated or treated too casually. That's okay. Nobody is a perfect parent 100% of the time. But it is important to make sure that as a parent you are giving your child what they need to consistently grow in a stable environment.
Monson, Thomas S. (2011, August 1). Love at Home—Counsel from Our
Prophet. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2011/08/love-
at-home-counsel-from-our-prophet?lang=eng
Excellent instruction on parenting types. This helps me analyze my behaviors as a parent and have a behavior goal to work towards
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