From messy babies, to pinching pennies, to fighting over curfew, having a family can be stressful at times. It is especially stressful when you and your spouse are not on the same page. I'll give a very common example:
Charlie: Hey Dad, can I go to the movies with my friends?
Dad: Sure! When will you be home?
Charlie: Around 8pm!
Dad: Sounds good! Be safe!
- One hour later -
Mom: Hey Honey, where's Charlie? I checked her room, and she's not there.
Dad: Oh, she's at the movies with her friends.
Mom: What? I told her she couldn't go anywhere until her room is cleaned, and its still a mess!
Dad: Oh... I didn't know... I told her that she could go.
Mom: Ugh! It's like I'm the only one who enforces rules around here!
Dad: Hey, you didn't tell me that she couldn't go anywhere. If you had told me, I wouldn't have let her go out.
Looking at this quarrel, there seems to be an easy solution, right? Just simple good communication. A lack of communication and understanding tends to be at the heart of every issue.
Here are some issues that occur within marriage and family:
1. My affectionate and sexual needs are not being met by my spouse.
2. My spouse leaves me to do all of the house work.
3. My children are not obeying simple household rules.
4. Finances are tight, and my family doesn't seem to understand that we can't afford certain things right now.
5. I am and/or someone in my family is struggling with depression/anxiety.
Now, lets look at some ways that we could approach these issues. Each issue will have a peaceful approach (P), and each will have a contentious approach (C).
1. P: Tell your spouse exactly what you are in need of. Stop trying to drop hints. Be forward and upfront. "I would like us to kiss more." "I would like to hug you for 15 seconds every morning before you go to work." This allows your partner to know your needs, and gives them a specific aspect of intimacy to increase.
C: Look for that sexual intimacy elsewhere - pornography, cheating, swinging. This will eventually only cause more hurt and contention for your entire family.
2. P: Communicate to your spouse that their help in doing the housework would mean a lot to you. Give them a specific need that they could meet. "It would mean so much to me if you would make the bed before you go to work." "I would really appreciate it if you could help me with the dinner dishes, and then we could watch an episode of the Mandalorian when we're done!" "It would make me incredibly happy if you would remember to hang up your towel and put your dirty clothes in the hamper after you get out of the shower".
C: Glare at your partner while loading the dishwasher. Let out an angry sigh every time you pick up a dirty sock and just assume that everyone knows what you are upset about. Say "you never help me with anything around here!" as soon as your partner gets home from a ten hour shift.
3. P:Ask your kids what the do not understand about your house rules and create a system or routine in order to make a rule easier to follow. Allow your children to have some input on the family rules. "Hey, I noticed that you haven't been letting me know where you are going when you leave the house lately. It worries me to not know where you are. Can we make a system that's easy for you, so that I know where you are?" Maybe the system will be writing in advance where you will be on a whiteboard calendar.
C: Punish your children through methods such as grounding, spanking, or yelling. All this does is teach your child that those who love them are supposed to yell, hit, and restrict.
4. P: Communicate with your family that you are going through a difficult time financially. Discuss budgeting with your spouse and plan on how to make ends meet and still fulfill some temporal desires that your family has (like going to the zoo, or seeing a movie). Use an object lesson to show younger children the importance of saving money. Tell your children about what limits you have. "Money is tight right now, so your allowances are going to have to be a little smaller this month. I know that that isn't fun, but if you save your allowance money every month, eventually you will be able to buy the things that you need. Its just like that for mom and dad."
C: Stress over your finances, but view it as a burden that only you can carry, creating more personal stress, and possibly a tendency to go over budget due to a lack of communication. "My wife and I are struggling to make ends meet, but I am the one in charge of keeping track of our finances, so this is my problem."
5. P: Prayer, preparedness, and patience. Depression is incredibly difficult and is often something that cannot be physically healed- but rather mentally and emotionally healed. Pray for healing and personal peace. Be prepared: Have a therapist or psychiatrist that you know you can go to for help and understanding. Be patient. These things take time to work through and heal. Trying to rush the healing process will only make thigs worse. Show the person who is struggling that they are valued. They are loved. They are needed.
C: Say "It's just a phase". Invalidate their feelings with your own. "I know you're struggling, but at least you don't have bills to pay, or 12 hour shifts five days a week." Invalidating depression will cause the beholder to internalize it. This could lead to suicidal tendencies, other mental illnesses, and even physical illness.
What it all comes down to is healthy, loving communication. Times are hard, and family can be hard too, but everything becomes easier when understanding, love, and togetherness are present within a home.
Comments
Post a Comment