Lets start with the numbers. Statistically, 70% of divorced couples regret their divorce after a year or so. These are the couple who experience Cinderella Syndrome ("We're having a rough patch which obviously means that he isn't my one true love"), some couples just struggle to communicate with each other and see that as a sign that they aren't compatible rather than learning how to communicate, and some couples say "It just wasn't as fun as we thought it would be". How many marriages could we save if we simply taught married couples to cope with rough patches and healthily communicate their feelings to one another? Every couple will at some point experience some sort of difficulty, disagreement, or misunderstanding - this by itself is no means to end a marriage. To those struggling with these types of problems, I encourage you to use the methods I discuss in my post on communcation and the family under stress. However, when abuse, addiction, and compromised saftey become involved, then it is time to consider whether a relationship is worth saving. However, statistically (according to Gabrielle Hartley's Divorce Law Firm), only 23.5% of divorces are due to abusive situations.
The thing about divorce is that it really only takes into consideration the thoughts and feelings of the spouses that are getting a divorce. Very rarely are the thoughts, feelings, and wants of the children of the divorced brought into account and used to sway the conditions of the divorce. This can detrimentally affect parent-child relationships post-divorce. How? There are quite a few ways. Children who grow up in a household without a parent that is the same sex as them will find it difficult to healthily develop masculine/femenine attributes, such as a boy without a father finding it difficult to portray masculine attributes such as single-focus drive and assertiveness due to his mother constantly berating his father while also not having a masculine example within the household. This can cause identity confusion and anxiety. Another way in which divorce can incredibly affect children is neglect. Some parents, once divorced, are unable to spend as much time with their children due to a higher demand for work and finance. They are also tasked to re-learn how to live independedntly. This can cause children to be unable to have as much time with their parent(s) and will often have to learn how to parent themselves and/or their siblings. Children of divorce often lose attatchment to the parent that does not have main custody, too.
As a child in a recently divorced family, I have experienced all sorts of challenges, but as I am no longer living at home, it does not affect me nearly as much as my little sister who is now the only child left at home. Her name is Abby. Abby, over the course of the past year, has been whipped around in the crazy storm that is divorce. Once my dad moved out of the home, abby was suddenly the center of all of our mom's attention. She found herself getting more spoiled than usual, and actually developing a good relationship with our mom. At the same time, she developed a very negative view of and relationship with our dad as our mom has shared more information about why the divorce happened. This has all been incredibly difficult on her emotions and self esteem. She has developed a difficulty in trusting people, and is constantly confused and hurt whenever our dad reaches out, even when he reaches out with nothing but love and kindness. This has resulted in her refual to interact with him, which has now dissolved their relationship.
If parents get divorced, they should take into account the wants and needs of their children. Information should be given to chilldren little by little. If a parent overshares information about the causes and circumstances of the divorce, the child's trust in and relationship with the "guilty" parent can be completely diminished at an incredible speed. Children should be given information in increments so that they have the opportunity to process it and decide their needs and wants based on the situation.
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